


Cry

by ByAStream



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Depictions of Severe Anxiety, F/F, F/M, reader has loss of appetite
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-11
Updated: 2020-04-11
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:39:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23586253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ByAStream/pseuds/ByAStream
Summary: Anxiety eats away at you, twisting the way you see everything around you and pushes you closer to a breaking point.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Natasha Romanov/Reader, James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader, Natasha Romanov/Reader
Comments: 6
Kudos: 89





	Cry

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU THINK THIS WILL TRIGGER YOU. This story contains depictions of severe anxiety based off my own experiences in dealing with untreated anxiety. This story includes: reader with a loss of appetite, allusions to reckless reader, low-self esteem, depictions of panic attack, reader having a breakdown

In. Hold. Out. Hold. Repeat. You sat against the wall, knees brought to your chest. Tears fell as a silent sob wracked your body. You wanted your family. You wanted a hug. Neither were things you could have at that moment. You had been stuck in the compound. The only one not on a mission. Injury had sidelined you, along with a suspension. FRIDAY was your only company. 

You couldn’t remember when you started feeling this way. Maybe it was when you entered the kitchen to find the entire team was sitting down for dinner and no one had told you. Maybe it was when Natasha brushed you off for training just after you got out of the medical wing. The past few weeks had sent you into a downward spiral with no one there to catch you. Your appetite was nearly non-existent. You were subsisting on toast and water at this point, unable to force anything else down. You could spend countless hours pacing your room, trying to focus on anything else but the pit of anxiety that had made itself at home inside you. 

You heard them return as you tried to calm yourself, the lights dimmed in your room. You knew no one would check in on you. They never did anymore. It was like you didn’t exist. Since the injury, things were different. Steve had lectured you for what had seemed like hours about why what you had done was the wrong thing, even if it had gotten the team what they were looking for. If you were being honest with yourself, the struggle you’d been having internally had been going on for longer than your injury. You’d been taking risks. Risks that not even Steve would take. You had almost gotten killed on that mission. But all you could see in the reprimand was Steve telling you that you were no good at your job. You’d heard Bucky talking to Sam later that night when they’d thought you were asleep the room you were staying in for observation. Bucky had sat with you for the evening. 

“ _ She’s a danger...Natasha..injury...get...killed,” you only picked up a few words in your sleepy stupor, but it was enough to put the picture together. Bucky thought you were a danger to the team, that you’d get someone injured or killed. You felt your heartbreak at that. Out of everyone on the team, you’d become closest to him. If it wasn’t him, it was Natasha. The three of you leaned on each other, or at least you had thought you did.  _

_ “Desk duty...leave the team...she goes...It might be for the best at this point,” you heard Sam say. Leave the team. You couldn’t help the tears that started falling. You’d make yourself scarce, you reasoned with yourself. Stop getting in the way. You’d make an attempt to be better. _

You had been released the next day. You were cleared for a light workout and had gone to ask Natasha to train with you. She had brushed you off. You tried not to let the hurt show when that happened, and instead went and changed, only to have her go off on you in the gym.

_ You had been on the treadmill for fifteen minutes when Natasha entered with Wanda. You tried not to let the hurt show. You turned the intensity up on the treadmill, ignoring the twinge of pain in your knee. The cradle was as close to a miracle worker as the Avengers had. Helen had said you could do light exercise, including the treadmill. What did it matter if your idea of light was different? You missed the concerned look Natasha shared with Wanda. The only thing you saw was Natasha storming up and turning the treadmill off. _

_ “Out of the gym. Now,” Natasha said. You looked at her. You knew that tone of voice. Usually it was reserved for the bedroom or when someone was doing something dangerous.  _

_ “What? You’re not the boss of me Romanoff. Last I checked, I’m allowed in the gym,” you said.  _

_ “Not right now you aren’t,” she said. Where she was trying to be stern, you only heard coldness and anger. You held your hands up in surrender and walked out, ignoring the pain in your knee the best you could. Bucky walked in with Steve as you made it to the door, tears in your eyes. You wondered what you had done to make Natasha not even want to be around you. You had been the only one injured on the last mission. You hadn’t put anyone at risk, not really. It hadn’t been your fault that the building was rigged to explode and no one realized it until it happened. Except for you. You knew and you told them you’d go back for the data you needed, barely escaping before the building exploded behind you. You missed the conversation that unfolded when you left, opting instead to revoke the access to your room that Natasha and Bucky both had.  _

Things had been icy since then and you had only spiraled more, lost in your own head. You never ate with the team anymore, if they even remembered to tell you they were having dinner together. As you took deep breaths, you felt yourself calm down enough to go grab some toast. You were shaking as you entered the kitchen, blood sugar low from a lack of food. You poured a glass of orange juice as you waited for your toast. Your glass fell to the ground, shattering when someone wrapped their arms around you saying something you didn’t quite catch. You yelled, pulling away from whoever it was and forward onto the broken glass. You heard Natasha gasp as she released you. 

Your toast popped up at that moment. You felt pain in your foot as the glass sliced it. You bit your lip to prevent yourself from crying out. Ignoring the toast and the pain, you made a beeline for your room, feeling a wave of panic set in again. You felt like you were losing control. It was all too much. 

“Sergeant Barnes and Agent Romanoff are entering your quarters ma’am. You are experiencing high levels of distress,” you heard FRIDAY say. You shook your head. You pushed them away as they sat on either side of you.

“Enough. Enough sweetheart. Just focus on me, focus on your breathing,” Bucky said. You just sobbed. It was like everything crashed over you at once. The self-loathing. The feelings of inadequacy. Feeling unwanted. You let out a stream of incoherent thoughts, enough for them to piece together what had been going on with you. 

Bucky knew they shouldn’t have left you alone, that something had been off. Nat had been so sure you’d work through it. You had struggled before, but never like this. He had seen you pulling away, retreating into yourself. Even before the disastrous mission where you had almost gotten killed. The fallout from the mission had only worsened things. Natasha had wanted to give you space. Bucky had wanted to stay by your side. Nat thought it would only worsen things. So, they gave you space, perhaps too much space. Bucky knew all too well how easy it was to twist things in your mind into something else. 

He had spoken to Sam that night, just outside your room in medical. He had been worried about you, they all had. 

“ _ She’s a danger to herself right now. Natasha’s worried that next time it won’t be an injury, that next time she’ll get herself killed,” Bucky said, running a hand through his hair. Natasha had barely left your side since you’d been brought in. You had spent a full day in the cradle, unconscious, before being moved to a bed. Helen had said you’d be waking up any time. You’d just have to take it easy for a bit. _

_ “Steve’s putting her on desk duty. He’s worried about her. He thinks she might want to leave the team after this. And where she goes, you and Romanoff do. Maybe a vacation is in order when she’s up to it. It might be for the best at this point. Take a break from all this. We’ve all noticed she’s been on edge lately,” Sam said. Bucky sighed. _

_ “I’ve been worried about her. She doesn’t talk about it, but the signs are all there. I don’t think she’s been going to her appointments with Ansley for a while. But she’s an adult. Can’t force her into doing something she doesn’t want,” Bucky admitted. Sam frowned. _

_ “What happened out there, Barnes?” he asked. Bucky glanced behind him, seeing you were still asleep. Natasha had returned. No words passed between them, but with a nod toward you from Bucky, Natasha headed into the room, closing the door behind her. Bucky would catch her up later.  _

_ “The mission in Australia. It was bad. I think...I think it stirred up things she didn’t want to think about. Taking down the last of that organization. I should have checked on her more,” Bucky said. _

_ “You couldn’t have known. She’s good at hiding things, Bucky. She’s good at putting on a brave face,” Sam said.  _

He remembered the day you were running out of the gym, limp apparent. FRIDAY had alerted him and Nat when you’d gone to the gym. Natasha was concerned. She had passed on training with you because you needed to rest and recover fully. She had walked into the gym with Wanda only to see you going too hard on the treadmill. When you had stormed out, everyone was concerned.

_ “She’s pushing herself too hard. I figured when I told her I couldn’t train with her today, she’d decide not to,” Natasha said. Bucky sighed. _

_ “She needs time, Tasha. This scared the hell out of everyone. She’ll come to us. She always does,” Bucky said. Natasha frown and shook her head. _

_ “This feels different. I’ll give her space, but I’m keeping a closer eye on her. You know what it’s like to get lost in your head,” she said. He nodded. Steve and Wanda stood listening to the two. The team was concerned about you, but deferred to Natasha and Bucky. They knew you best. Nothing was ever said to the team but they could read between the lines on what your relationship was with the two.  _

_ “Do you two need time off?” Steve asked, interjecting into the conversation. A look passed between Bucky and Natasha before Bucky nodded. _

_ “If you need us, we’re there. Otherwise,” Bucky trailed off. FRIDAY’s voice broke the silence, informing Bucky and Natasha that their permission to come and go from your room without knocking had been withdrawn. The duo shared a look of concern at that development, knowing nothing good could come from it.  _

That had led to the mission they had just returned from. It was all hands on deck, except for you. You were physically ready to go back out, but you hadn’t been cleared by Dr. Ansley. As it was you were refusing to talk during your appointments, worried that if you said the wrong thing, she would never clear you. Bucky and Natasha had done their best to get out of the mission but there was no way around it. 

FRIDAY kept them updated when it was possible. They knew you hadn’t been eating well, barely managing toast some days. A sign of your worsening anxiety and overall mental state. Natasha hadn’t meant to startle you. She was sure you had heard her. She had been deliberate with her steps to prevent the very thing she had caused. 

Your breathing slowed and you found yourself becoming more aware of the pain. Bucky scooped you up in his arms and brought you into your bathroom, setting you on the counter as he grabbed the first aid kit you kept in there. Natasha hopped up next to you.

“You want to talk about it?” Natasha asked, trying to distract you from what Bucky was doing. She knew how much you hated having injuries treated. 

“Why do you care?” you asked, your tone void of emotion. Bucky chose to let Natasha take the lead on the conversation.

“Because we love you,” she said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. You let out a bitter laugh.

“Right. Not like I heard Bucky say I was a danger to the team, that I’ll get someone injured or killed. Sam said I should leave the team. And you brushed me off for training. And the team doesn’t even tell me when we’re having a team dinner,” you said, repeating things you had said in your panicked state. 

“Doll...you didn’t hear the whole thing,” Bucky said as he picked glass from your foot.

“I heard enough,” you snapped. He sighed.

“I told Sam you were a danger to yourself, that Nat was worried you’ll get yourself seriously injured or worse killed. Sam said he thought you were going to leave the team. No one here wants you to leave,” Bucky said.

“We were giving you space. We read the situation wrong. What are you talking about with dinner, sweetheart?” Nat asked.

“Before the mission, before I got hurt. No one told me we were having a team dinner,” you said, your voice soft. Natasha sighed.

“We were planning a surprise party for you,” she murmured. You looked at her, expression full of doubt. 

“Yeah right. It’s not even anywhere near my birthday,” you said.

“You’re right. But it has been two years since you joined the team, slightly more. Two years since you met James and I. It’s unconventional but, we wanted to plan a surprise party to celebrate you joining the team, to celebrate us meeting you. Because you deserve it, sweetie. You deserve to know how much we love you. How much the team loves you. We know how easy it is for you to get lost in your head sometimes. We wanted to do something to reassure you that we aren’t going anywhere,” she said, running a hand through your hair. You couldn’t help the tears that started falling, not even bothering to try to blame the pain. 

“I should’ve come to you,” you said. She shook her head.

“Sweetheart, you take things one day at a time. We could say we should’ve pressed more, should’ve made sure we didn’t leave you alone as much. You, my dear, are good at pretending you’re okay. And that scares the hell out of us,” she said. 

“Have you given any thought to trying medication again? I know you’ve been hesitant about it,” Bucky said as he finished pulling glass from your foot. You sighed.

“It might be time. What I’ve been doing...it hasn’t been working. Dr. Ansley has always told me it’ll be up to me if or when I try medication again,” you said. You weren’t opposed to it, it was just another one of those unknowns after an adverse reaction the last time you’d gone on medication to help manage your anxiety. 

“How about I make some pasta for dinner and we put on a cheesy movie?” Natasha asked. You eyed her suspiciously.

“Last time you made the pasta, you somehow managed to burn it. I’m not so sure you should be the one to cook,” you said. Natasha huffed as Bucky let out a laugh.

“We’ll order out. I’ll grab an order of mozzarella sticks and order you your favorite, just in case you’re up for something a little more substantial,” Bucky said. You nodded as he lifted you off the counter and brought you back into the bedroom, setting you down in the middle of the bed as he pulled his phone out to place the order.

You felt at ease for the first time in days. It wasn’t an easy road, and there were sure to be more bumps. But you had a feeling everything would be okay. 


End file.
